comeback (!)

Like [INSERT 80's HAIR BAND OF YOUR CHOICE HERE], we're launching our Schwillig comeback tour. Promising big splashy performances. Hoping for packed auditoriums. We're back, brasher and flashier and brashier than ever. Hello, Cincinnati!

I hereby declare a moratorium on exclamation points from this day forward. A moment ago, I caught myself cheerily end-punctuating with an exclamation point, and I don't like it. At work I often e-point in emails; it's become an ugly, unconscious reflex, an overpowering urge to project a benign aura of friendly accessibilty, a helpful custom-service orientation. Salutations and sign-offs are particularly dangerous; those bastards shoot out exclamation points like noxious weeds. Hello! Thanks for your message! Take care! Looking forward to meeting you!

It began innocently enough as an ironic pose, a cheeky postmodern smirk at the clunky punctuation practices of an older generation from the POV of our own sleek, subtle-to-the-point-of-vanishing dashes, periods, and lowercase everything. Kind of like wearing glasses with Buddy Holly frames even though your eyesight is fine. But then something gee-whiz began to creep in, something dark and terrible and habit-forming, and next thing you know it's five years later and your every utterance, your every thought is couched in Wonderbread.

With my last ounce of strength, I plunge one final exclamation point like a dagger into the heart of the matter.